So my boss calls me in his office last week, "Dulce, can you please come in my office." Me, peanut butter toast in one hand, perfect cup of coffee in the other, shamelessly say, "yeah". Then comes the next few words that play like a broken record in my head...."please shut the door" chimed through my every vein. Needless to say the conversation ended with a knot in my throat, tears running down on my face and my boss asking, "Do you need some time to compose yourself"? I wanted to scream back "No! Ass face! I am completely fine!" But instead, " yes, that would be great" came out with little or no thought behind it what so ever. The topic of the conversation...URGENCY.
Now I could go into great detail for all who might be reading this about what he meant by urgency, but I am still trying to figure it out. All I got when I walked out of that office last Thursday afternoon was that what I was doing was wrong. Really wrong. I felt lazy, humiliated, sad, scared, nauseous, and anxious. And, I also felt very sorry for myself. I felt all of these things because of only a few words that were said to me, "You don't have a sense of urgency, and it shows a lack of personal initiative." Stab to the heart. Kick in the chest. Whatever you want to think of when the breath leaves your being and you are searching for every excuse under the sun as to why that isn't true. But then, you are down on your knees searching and you can't find it either, but you KNOW that it is there.
So what is urgency and personal initiative? I think of it as urgency equals impatience and personal initiative equals seeking. Now thinking of these terms professionally and emotionally are two quite opposite concepts. Urgency is amazing and beautiful in the corporate or professional world. Not one email can wait to be read, not one task on the to-do list can wait to be checked off, and not one phone call or meeting can be delayed. Time is of the essence and to an every judging superior this is nothing less than magnificent. Urgency in an emotional and personal state means looking for answers when they are not ready to be found, settling because you are too impatient to wait, and accepting an answer to something because you are to afraid to hear the truth. After all, don't all good things come to those who wait? Now, earlier I stated that personal initiative in the professional and personal states were quite opposite but as I have tabbed my way down here I am finding myself to argue that they are both opposite and similar. Personal initiative means to always be looking for something bigger or better without having someone pushing you along. So in the office, it is is "how can I make that report look more attractive, what can I do to blow away my sales goal, and who can I really impress?" In life itself personal initiative is still looking for something bigger or better but it goes a little more like this...."I want something more because I deserve more", I want to do good and be good because good is where my heart is leading me", or, "there is something or someone bigger than all of this, I can feel it and I want to experience it."
So my question is why am I guilty of urgency in my personal life and why does personal initiative seem so romantic when I seem to so obviously lack both in my career? You know, I don't think there could possibly be any one right or wrong answer but here is a shot. LOVE. I don't love selling, I don't love back stabbing competitiveness, I don't love fake people, I don't love judgemental people, I don't love networking, or spreadsheets, or cubicles, or emails, and the list goes on. I do love many things though, and most of all I love thinking about who I get to become. Who my friends and family get to become and what my life will one day bring. Its just that I need to apply that sense of urgency that is so eagerly demanded in my career to my personal life, and take control. I'm not going to settle! And no, not another day can wait for me to take control of my life and live in the romantic aftermath of personal initiative.
So, if anyone even reads this, it is my first time blogging. So, just try to hear the message and I promise future blogs will get more, shall I say "bloggerish".